Located on the Orion Spur of the Milky Way galaxy, Planet Earth, as it is known by its semi-sentient residents (the humans), is a lush garden world teeming with all manner of lifeforms and has long been a favourite destination with interstellar travellers.
Whether you’re planning that long overdue trip to visit family in the sunken city of Atlantis… or just looking for that short break to unwind in the planet’s invigorating and abundant sulphur springs…There really is something for everyone!
Well, great news!…. because the interstellar travel guide in partnership with Warp2 are now offering last-minute package deals to Earth via popular slip-gates across the planet!
Duration of Stay: Interstellar Travel Guide Recommendation
The time needed to enjoy all that the planet has to offer depends entirely on your personal needs.
If you wish to remain incognito during your stay and take in the sights from the comfort and safety of your vessel, the interstellar travel guide recommends that you give yourself at least a week. This will give ample opportunity to take in much of the planet’s wondrous geological splendour and biodiversity. It truly is breathtaking to behold, and a sight that is so exceedingly rare in this or any quadrant of space.
There’s more to do here than you can fit into a weekend… That’s for sure! – Whatever a ‘weekend’ is…
When on-planet, you just can’t help becoming enamoured with the humans, their quaint little rituals, and their obsession with trying to organise everything. It’s quite liberating while visiting to think as the locals do and adopt some of their primitive ways. This way you can shed some of the existential-dread that accompanies having a complete understanding of the nature of our cold and indifferent universe, and instead, bask in the dim light of an oblivous earthling for a few days…
When in Blargan 7, I say!
Xenobiologist Briefing
For the inner xenobiologist seeking the full experience and the thrill of intermingling with the lively and unpredictable humans, the interstellar travel guide recommends that you visit during the period known as ‘Halloween‘.
This little-understood annual earthling tradition of disguising themselves from one another and ingesting large quantities of nutritionally redundant crystalline and non-crystalline sucrose derivatives is the perfect opportunity for you and your family to experience the thrill of walking freely among the humans without fear of discovery.
Local Fauna
As always, it is advised to consult your interstellar travel guide when visiting any world that is home to sub-warp civilisations. It is important that you conceal your presence to avoid confusing or terrifying the impressionable locals. The humans can react unpredictably when shocked or startled and have been known to fire their primitive gunpowder weapons at anything they don’t understand, and/or perceive as a threat.
Initial Misclassification: The Canine Command Theory
This primitive behaviour led some scientists to pay particular attention to the tiny canines that are often observed being transported around by the humans in opulently decorated transportation modules.
Owing to the deference paid to these diminutive creatures, scientists initially concluded that they must be the planet’s ruling class. This theory was further fueled by observing the humans diligently collecting the creatures’ excrement. Early theories even suggested that the creatures were piloting the humans from within these transportation modules, compelling the subservient species to carry out their will.
Crazy right?! It wasn’t until scientists attempted to initiate first contact with the one known as Bilbo that we realised the error of our ways. The interstellar travel guide has now been updated to reflect this understanding.
Recommended Sightseeing and Cultural Assessment
As well as the wildlife, there are many natural sites to explore. We recommend travellers consult their interstellar travel guide for the exact coordinates of these key areas:
- Medium Sized Fissure: Designation 35b (Arizona). Noteworthy only for being slightly more significant than a typical terrestrial fracture point, but worth a visit nonetheless. Be warned: this region of Earth has the highest instances of gunpowder discharges toward uncloaked vessels and due caution should be exercised.
- Category B mountainous region: Designation ‘Everest’ (Himalayas). It may seem unremarkable, but not to the humans. They have been frequently observed attempting the scale its summit… For what purpose is unknown.
- Stable Bi-Atomic Liquid Pool (Pacific Ocean). Contains a disproportionate amount of sodium chloride and maintains a predictable cycle of tidal movement. Pretty standard, right? Yes… but it is in its extreme depths that you will find the sunken city of Atlantis – deliberately sunken, I might add, so as to keep it out of reach from the technologically-challenged humans.
Cultural Assessment
Perhaps your itinerary includes a cultural assessment? You may plan to visit sights featured in the latest decaying, low-bandwidth transmissions to reach the Galactic Core Systems, such as:
- 3rd Rock from the Sun
- Baywatch
- Mork and Mindy
Whatever your itinerary, this interstellar travel guide has got you covered!
The Local Cuisine: A Nutritional Assessment
As well as immersing yourself in the sights and sounds, why not put aside the nutrition paste for the duration of your stay and enjoy some of the tantalising cuisine that this characterful little rock has to offer?
The Supermarket
If you can stand the distasteful sight and smell of the decaying meat and plant material on display, Human ‘supermarkets’ are an abundant and convenient source for all of your nutritional needs… if you know where to look. We recommend the following local delicacies, many of which can be found in human ‘shops’ and ‘supermarkets’. Although the planet itself offers up a smorgasbord of delicious treats that can be gorged upon to both of your heart’s content.
- Hydrogen Peroxide, Sodium Hypochlorite and all manner of equally delicious beverages.
- Batteries, for if you need a little snack to get you through the day. Alkaline, acidic…even Lithium. They are all readily available. Just remember to throw away their useless plastic appliance or cardboard container first!
- Rocks, Metals, and other delicious minerals are always at hand. They are, however, an uncommon food source to the natives and must therefore be consumed discreetly so as to not draw attention.
Interstellar Travel Guide: Essential Knowledge
It’s easy to get carried away with the carnival atmosphere and forget oneself while mingling with the humans.
The possibility of discovery, however, should never be ignored. To help you stay prepared, here are a couple of examples of conversational pointers that you can refer to in your interstellar travel guide should you be required to directly interact with the locals to maintain your cover:
- “Nice weather we are having” – Humans – by-and-large – are obsessed with discussing the latest atmospheric conditions. By showing an interest in such a mundane and inconsequential topic, you are sure to allay their suspicions and fit right in!
- “Wasssuupp?!” – That’s right! You may know it from the insufferably long ‘advert breaks’ or ‘messages’ that frequently interrupt your favourite earth broadcasts… but did you know that it is also a widely used earth greeting? The common reply of “OK boomer” means that your boisterous greeting has been well received and that you have been accepted as one of their own.
When is the Best Time to Visit Earth?
It all sounds great, right? So when is the best time to visit, I hear you ask?
Well, the best time to visit this rare galactic gem is now… And we mean right now!
Unfortunately, it has been estimated that due to impending environmental catastrophe, resulting resource scarcity, and war, the humans will render the planet uninhabitable in the next 0.02 Galactic Cycles. In fact, ever since the detection of atomic reactions on the surface 0.05 Galactic Cycles ago, the Galactic Travel Board (GTB) has issued a broad warning to all travellers wishing to visit Earth and will soon ban excursions to the planet all together.
So, it really is now or never! Take advantage of this limited time offer while there is still time.
Interstellar Travel Guide and Warp2: Testimonials
“My Podmate and I visit every Halloween and always travel with Warp2. The hardest part is leaving and having to tell my daughter that, no, we can’t keep one of the adorable humans to take home”
K’Tarth (Epsilon Eridani System) – Satisfied Customer
Disclaimer:
Warp2 no longer offers tours for large same-sex groups, or younglings wishing to embark on their coming-of-age quests. There have been too many instances of deliberate interactions with the locals, and neither Warp2 or the Interstellar Travel Guide take any responsibility for hastening the destabilisation of the planet’s unstable governance. It may seem like harmless fun to extract humans from their natural habitat to perform unsanctioned onboard probings, or leave obsene sexual symbols in their crop fields, but be warned, the locals are highly antagonistic and have been known to blindly fire their primitive projectile weapons when startled or confused. Moreover, in the event of any accidental ‘first contact’, Warp2 and the Interstellar travel guide take no responsibility for any ensuing dramatic acceleration of species decline.
